i jhust puked up my retainher.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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