i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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