I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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