My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
