Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
