Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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