i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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