happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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