I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
