my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize