i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
