I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
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