I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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