Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize