i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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