If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
