I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
