I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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