I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
