we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
