We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i dont even know how to be here
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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