They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
