I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
