Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
