My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Randomize
