1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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