Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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