There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
