Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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