are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Your penis caused this!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
