trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
