Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
