Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
