My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
