I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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