the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
