i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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