in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
