I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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