You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
