she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize