I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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