im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
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