Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
