i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
