i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
