yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
