The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
