I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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