those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
