so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
