In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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