Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
