are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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