awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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