Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
