Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
