He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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