I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
