remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize
