ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
